Newton was born on Christmas day
Dead father and annoying mom,
He grew up destined to run a farm
And appeared slightly dumb.
His mother, Hanna Ayscough married
An aging rector for the money
Isaac, abandoned , alone and young
Could hardly find it funny.
He sat for hours, staring deep
At leaves and birds and light.
He often thought of killing step-dad
And whether Aristotle was right.
Meanwhile step-dad expired too,
(Was something wrong with mum?)
Forced to work on the dead man’s farm
He gave up life as a bum.
Shovel in hand, he was often found
Hurling mud repeatedly -
Each time with a different speed,
Making notes on trajectory.
So mom saw the cause as lost
And sent him to university
A place to while his time away
While serving on royalty.
For Hanna refused to send him money,
And didn’t let him get a haircut
So he arrived at Cambridge poor, and
Was many-a-jokes’ butt.
He settled thus in library corners,
Quickly finding intellectual groove
He read for hours on his own
And studied how objects move.
Barely any time had passed,
He’d read all there was to read
The Bible, Plato, Aristotle
And Galileo Galilee.
Aristotle, he felt, was a total jerk
Who won arguments ‘coz he could shout,
Galileo had his head on right,
But with no mathematical clout.
But disaster struck! Bubonic plague
Had swept the English shores.
And since rats weren’t scared of God,
Christian Cambridge closed its doors.
So Isaac packed his duffel bag
And shuffled back morose
His mother and step-sisters sneered
They’d make him do the chores!
But Newton now had other plans -
He made himself a nest
A room with books, gadgets and quills
For solitary reading and rest.
For 18 months he worked and worked
But not a single thing worked out
Until an apple struck his head
And he finally figured it out.
Therefore, in life, one must not forget
The importance of falling fruits
Indeed the bruise inspired Newton
To henceforth wear a peruke.
So when he finally emerged from his lab
Not only was he smarter than before
He also now was no longer disheveled
His wig became a thing of lore.
And thus his fame spread rapidly
None had seen such perfect hair
Meanwhile some geeks in Europe thought
His research was equally rare.
“The earth is what revolves”, he said
“Old Galileo was right!
As was Giordano Bruno before
The church set him alight!”
Charles II of course was rightly pissed
Trinity Profs can’t challenge God!
So he sent a guy to Newton’s house
To get him to embrace the lord.
Newton meanwhile had outdone his hair
With his calculus and gravity
He had answers to every question asked
He was, well, a celebrity.
So when Charles’ assistant arrived, Isaac
Took his time to come out to meet.
He didn’t take off his Raybans, and
Didn’t even offer a seat.
The secretary was new and still in awe –
Newton’s hair was impeccably set
So he couldn’t ask Newton to take the oath,
Couldn’t convey King Charles’ threat.
Instead he asked for an autograph
And returned to Westminster Abbey
Embarrassed Charles was forced to exempt Isaac
From answering to orders holy.
From then on, old Newton basked
In his newfound reputation
And succeeded to hold with able skill
Many a government station.
Over the years many scholars claimed
His discoveries as their own
But Hooke and Liebniz had terrible hair
And were thus not as well-known.
Buried at Westminster now,
Sir Isaac Newton lies.
While studying his laws, ‘most every day
A science student dies.
