OK! Ok, stop screaming! I know it’s my fault – I shouldn’t even have watched it! And I actually paid for that – I actually paid hard earned money to the people who made that movie.
Is it my fault then? Oh no! I’m… I wasn’t…trying to encourage… Oh no.
Ok very quickly, I’ll try to tell you what the story was. Spoiler alert: your appetite will be spoilt. There is not much story, therefore not much to spoil.
So – there is the inevitable daddy issue. Same thing yaar, Manohar Sharma (Anupam Kher in a cameo) is Charlie’s (SRK) dad. Manohar makes an epic, unbreakable safe for Grover the diamond guy to keep his diamonds safely. Grover steals said diamonds and frames Manohar, who is jailed. Charlie is a Boston University topper (lol), but traumatically only spends his time boxing and betting. He stalks Grover for 8 years (Aaath saal. Aaath saal. He said it eighty times. Aatth saaaaallllll. Itna time script likhne mein lagaa dete toh – never mind.)
Then, finally, opportunity comes. Grover has some expensive diamonds housed in this big Dubai hotel. The night the diamonds will be there coincides with the World Dance Competition. So, instead of using the incredibly easy cover of the melee of a dance competition and stealing the diamonds, Charlie decides to participate in the dance competition and steal the diamonds. No, it doesn’t make sense. You’re right. It doesn’t.
Also, they rig the whole selection process with sex-tape-blackmailing and hacking. But still, they get a dance teacher, because Deepika Padukone had already been signed and needed to be given a role. So she plays Mohini, who coaches the team for a competition they were anyway going to win. Good time pass, plus free romance angle. Plus, I mean she’s beautiful, so why not.
Anyway, baaki is history. They steal it, lots of really bad jokes along the way. Then Grover goes to jail and blablabla. Happy New Year to you too.
The most entertaining thing in the whole movie was the credits sequence. The crew seemed like they had a lot of fun! Accha ok guys, you had fun na? Then it’s ok. I don’t feel so bad anymore.
You see – stupid films are ok. Those I can handle. There are so many, and such funny ones too. You can watch Welcome and laugh like crazy because no one is asking you to take anything seriously. And a lot of Happy New Year was just that – gags, physical comedy, just ainvayi stuff which Boman Irani, Sonu Sood, Deepika Padukone and to a tiny extent Vivaan Shah really lapped up and had fun with.
But – yaar I was trying to get laughing when suddenly they showed Anupam Kher dead with a slit wrist in a jail cell. Then there was a really bloody boxing bout. Also a love story in which Mohini is practically harassed, several times, and she actually cries. And it’s so real until – there’ll be a spoofy line and it’ll all be forgotten. Arrey if you as filmmakers are schizophrenic, it’s ok! But don’t make the audience also lose their mind! It’s like every two weeks into the production they changed their minds. “It should be a comedy, yaar!” “Arrey but masala also is needed na baba.” “Fight scene, yes, fighting man! Boxing, punching, you know?” “But romance? Romance ka kya?”
Best part was – there was randomly a Modi duplicate in the middle of the movie, hailing Team India’s wonderful dance performance. “Acche din aa gaye.” Oh, the possibilities. The possibilities for interpretation just in that one scene. Oh man. I will leave that to the political commentators.
I will end with a sad, pained metaphor. If this was an Indian food buffet at a big five star hotel, I would ask to see the manager, point out that most of their food was recycled and stale, in fact there was a bit of a stench emanating from the Story Pulao. Every single dish had namak mirch kam. I would praise him wholeheartedly for the excellent presentation, because wow, those metal canisters were glittering and the name tags had great typography. Really made me want to eat something. But, what should I eat? The box?
Zero stars for an all-round waste of brilliant VFX, SFX, music, camera, editing and acting talent. Point five stars for please, please, please, make something good next time.