She was docked for a while in my cove of love
And again and again I confessed it
But my arms were too thin, and she thought my chest
Was repulsively soft when she pressed it.
It was funny at first, but I quickly saw
I would have to endeavour to work it –
If the tide was to turn, I would have to burn
All the books, go to gym, and twerk it.
When physique disappoints, and a love’s at stake
Don’t leave any dumbbell unlifted.
When the bedroom is dark and its time for it
You’ll need to be more than just gifted.
On the treadmill, the barbell and doing squats
I was pumping some serious iron.
So within a few weeks I was all the rage
On the streets they were calling me Siren.
So I swaggered and strutted and got to coast
I’d done what she wanted and more
She had better admire the pain I took,
Drop anchor and come back ashore.
As I stood at the beach, I had troubling thoughts
Of the kind you’re embarrassed to utter:
For the girl of my dreams had a fatness now
And my heart was refusing to flutter.
She was cute, but in truth it was time to sail
My ship was upholstered with oomph.
And the number of ladies who’d kill for me
Had recently shot through the roof.
I decided – don’t fight it. It’s meant to be.
And it’s not like she’s perfect inside.
I took a step back, and said,”My sweet
I can see that you think love is blind.
When you sent me away to get ripped and taut
To be honest, your tone was appalling.
Call it karma, or fate, you will have to vacate –
For the oceans are open and calling.
My canoe can canoodle Titanic now,
And your dinghy is barely floating.”
She was heartbroken, glum, and she left – and now,
I’m sexy and lonely and gloating.